I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally – “so is this what it feels like to truly surrender”.
I have a strange vibration going through my body at the moment, my hands are shaking. I’m thrilled yet also freaking out as, I have realised this is one of those, “AHA” moments.
I have shed so many tears, I have a heavy heart and I need to remind myself to breathe. A voice in my head says, “you going to be okay, breathe, relax, breathe.”
Somehow, the dots started to connect, all those feelings deep within my core, (this goes way back literally 35 years back.) I am trying hard to stay present in the moment as i know, this is what I have longed for, for so long. Finally realising, my truth, I wonder… “is this what my authentic self feels like.”
Today it was all revealed to me, this is exactly why I have felt so stuck, I need to break free, repeating the same patterns of past failed relationships, I cant do that anymore.
I have always lost my identity in my relationship. Truthfully I have always felt, trapped, lonely, not worthy, numb, unfufilled. Yet when I was in those relationships, it was labeled ( wendy is very sensative).
I can now ask the myself the question, why did I always feel the need for approval? I could never find my own self worth or value, I was constantly looking for eternal fixes to make me feel whole. The need to be needed and need to love!
I never have looking within myself for that love, no way, that was never a thought! Self love was a space I could never explore. I didnt have a messed up childhood, it was a loving and caring home, yet I did feel I had to constantly achieve and excel like my twin sisters.
Yes, the truth was, there was alot of pressure, that young girl back then, lost her self worth and value, never feeling she could excel like they did.
How could my parents possibly love me if I was so stupid.#sadden#hectic #blacksheep.
So now I gently will sit with this feeling and take a Huge breathe, try not to cry anymore, walk to the mirror, look up slowly, smile and say ” Hi – I am Wendy, lovely to meet you”.
40 years later I can honestly say, know I am worthy, and none of those memories of my childhood will ever own me anymore.
Small steps, slowly and gently, I now take – releasing myself of all the negative feelings. Growing spiritually, facing forward with love.